You don’t have to try to find your daily horoscope in your newspaper or on the Internet every day of your life. Use the universal horoscope below. You’ll be glad you did.

Is it your birthday today?

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy birthday, dear Stargazer!

Happy Birthday to you!

Your days will be long and fruitful. Everyone loves to take off your pants and wants to be around you. Use this to your advantage when doing business and getting discounts on used cars. Today will be happy for you because you were born on this same day.

ARIES The Ram, March 21-April 20: You like hanging out with the kids, walking in the woods, quickly understanding flora and fauna, making witty comments about tree mushrooms, jumping for joy when you see porcupines. You take unnecessary risks and get angry when your fellow travelers look at you like you are crazy. You like to jump over wide streams. Be careful with your powers and don’t step on the deer poop. Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/aries.htm.

TAURUS El Toro, April 21 – May 21: You like to sit under the Yum Yum tree waiting for the world to bring you what you need. Unfortunately, the world does not know that you are there. Get up, grab that stranger and show your loving persistent self. Hide that piece of cake under the sofa pillow until your guest leaves so you can eat it all yourself. Don’t call your mother and tell her you love her even though it’s been 17 years since you last saw her. Keep it cooking a little longer. Every day he turns his head the other way when you pass his house. Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/taurus.htm.

GEMINI The Twins, May 22-June 21: Don’t miss tonight’s party. No party? Well, call on the phone and invite the whole town. Get a band and show your eloquent youthful self. Don’t go around the corner and say you can’t do this in such a short time. And damn it, get rid of that new wig. It doesn’t help your appearance. Something special will happen tonight. Don’t you want to know what it is? It will happen at the party (if you invite me). Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/gemini.htm.

CANCER The Crab, June 22-July 22: It’s Over! You have to let it go. Let go of your conscience tomorrow. That deal is there for you to take. But don’t let the bastards crush you. A night on the town with your partner is appropriate tomorrow night. You will have something to celebrate. Drop my coat. Do not cry! Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/cancer.htm.

LION El León, from July 23 to August 22: It’s time to expand on those great plans. Don’t forget China. Stick your nose in your friends’ business. See if you can’t come up with something for yourself. I know how you’ve been looking at you-know-who. Let yourself go. President Bush is not an idiot. Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/leo.htm.

VIRGO The Virgin, from August 23 to September 23: You don’t have to dust off after your spouse has already done so. I know your partner has a mole on his neck. No matter. Take a walk in the park today and don’t over-analyze the squirrels. They do what they do. I’m sorry that Reagan’s son is a Democrat. Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/virgo.htm.

POUND The Scales, September 24-October 23: Easy on the Butter Brickle Ice Cream; you must take care of your figure or you won’t get to first base with “Dimple Cheeks.” Today would be a good day to take a walk through the county history museum. Offer to volunteer if they pay you a good hourly wage. I tell you again; the tooth fairy doesn’t come when you’re over 12 years old. Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/libra.htm.

SCORPION The Scorpion, Oct. 24-Nov. 22: Do you remember your childhood dream of success? Now is the time to go full throttle. For God’s sake, don’t tell anyone until you’re sure your dream will come true. You don’t want those slime balls to steal your idea, do you? I know how you can get back at Harry; put ketchup on your hot dog. Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/scorpio.htm.

SAGGITTARIUS The Archer, Nov. 23-Dec. 21: How are your dissertation on the red-bellied green tree frogs of Korea doing? No, I don’t think you can turn it into a novel, but knowing yourself, you will. Stop calling your sister Elephant. You know how that hurts, don’t you? When you recover, don’t use your homemade pole vault again. Next time, you might find that stick sticking out of your back (just kidding). Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/sagittar.htm.

CAPRICORN The Goat, Dec. 22-Jan. 20: Entropy isn’t everything. Get out of there. I heard that, pretty funny. Have you found seven new ways to solve the Rubik’s cube? Are you working on a new one? I’ll come by later. Time to go to http://www.astrology-online.com/capricrn.htm.

AQUARIUM The Water Carrier, Jan 21-Feb 19 – What You’re Working On; A soft-boiled egg huller? Interesting! No more yellow fingers. My mom is good. She is also your mother. Why don’t you call her? Yes, I hit the Salvation Army. Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/aquarius.htm.

PISCES The Fishes, February 20-March 20: You can now get out from behind the couch. I want you to go to Newark with me today; Now put on your tan outfit with your orange baseball cap and walking shoes. That’s the way! Did you give your toothbrush to a homeless man? Well, use your finger. Go to http://www.astrology-online.com/pisces.htm.

The end

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