Most of the time, the people I talk to are part of a married couple dealing with infidelity. Every once in a while though, someone who is having an affair (or trying to stop it from ending) will reach out because they need help figuring out someone’s motivations or thought process. For example, perhaps a husband is trying to break off an affair and the other wife doesn’t believe or understand her reasoning for it.
She might explain a situation like, “I had an affair with a man I adored for over seven months. I know this is cliché, but I really believed he was going to leave his wife for me. I really did.” I think he loved me. He seemed very invested in our relationship and went full speed ahead until his wife unexpectedly found out about us. After that, everything fell apart. I guess his wife didn’t take it very well and somehow his eldest son found out. and he got very angry. For a while, he tried to reconcile with his wife and he told me to stay away. I don’t know how he got between them because he wouldn’t take my calls. But I can only assume that he didn’t. He didn’t turn out the way he expected because last week he called me again. I got very excited. We went out to dinner and I thought it was going well. I thought we would end up going back to my house and that would lead to another. But when I suggested that to him, he told me that he has decided that he needs to take a break from the relationship. s for a while. I literally laughed at it because he never rejected anything physical from me. He said that he was going to take sex out of the equation with all women for a while. This is just not like him, so I thought he must be fine with his wife and is sexually happy in marriage. But if that’s the case, why have dinner with me? Since then, he stopped answering my calls again and one of my friends said that she saw him with her family. I almost wish he had never called me. I don’t understand the purpose of this. Why would a man want to be celibate? Is he lying to me?”
I have no idea if he’s lying. It seems pretty clear that she may be struggling a bit with how to move on with her life. But, in light of the fact that he didn’t have any physical relationship with you once he ended the affair, it DOES look like he’s trying to move on regardless. This may or may not include trying to save his marriage. And frankly, that’s his business. Everyone can understand a father that he wants to provide for his family after his son understandably gets upset. We have no way of knowing what the wife wants, but then again, that’s nobody’s business but her or her family.
The truth is, married men will say or claim all sorts of things to end an affair as cleanly and painlessly as possible. I have no idea if he’s celibate or not, but it sounds like he used it partly as justification for breaking things off and insinuating himself into a physical or sexual relationship, which tells you he’s telling the truth about the end of the story. relationship and about its change. his attention to his family. I know it’s painful, but I don’t think you can blame him for wanting this.
Don’t you deserve a relationship where the other person can have a complete relationship with you, that doesn’t need to be hidden or based on blame? Don’t you want a relationship where the man is free and happy to be in a physical relationship and doesn’t pretend to be celibate?
This man may well feel the need to take a break from romantic relationships or even sex, but that’s just one more sign that everyone might consider moving on. It seems that there is very little reward here and all kinds of bread. I admit that I am biased, but it seems to me that the best and most obvious thing would be to wish him the best, but let him go. Do whatever healing you need to do for yourself and your own life. Give yourself time to focus on your own healing and what you want, need, and deserve. And next time, find a man who is free to be completely yours, emotionally, legally, and physically. Everyone deserves a well-rounded relationship, not one that needs to be hidden or built on deceit, double talk, and pain.