Continuing Readers: Please turn the page beyond the brief introductory material.
New readers: If you missed an earlier part, you’ll find it elsewhere on this site or at NewsLaugh.com.
Here is the brief introduction to these remarkable notes, repeated for your convenience.
An unexpected manuscript appeared in our inbox. We were immediately convinced of its authenticity and decided we had to share it with you. It was accompanied by the following note:
“Hello. How’s life going? Who am I? That’s for me to know and you to guess. Let me say that I witnessed the invention of everything. And I took good notes of the meetings.
“I wanted each planet to come with an instruction manual, but my suggestion was a flop. I decided the best thing to do was to post my notes. I hope they help clear things up for you.
“I sent them by Multi-Verse Mail to all the planets projected to have life on them that they could read. As far as Earth was concerned, I directed it to NewsLugh.com. I assumed it would exist by the time the news broke. It’s especially useful. Why a humor magazine? Hey, I think I’m a bit of a humorist too.
“I’m sorry, but I have to be a little vague about the participants in the meeting, because they are all very high up on the totem pole of the universe and like to stay out of the spotlight. But I assure you that my notes are accurate.
“I thought about starting with the invention of sex, since it seems to be the basis of so many things. This particular invention was difficult because we weren’t sure how to make it work.”
“For example, some of the participants wanted direct physical contact. Others thought that the male could send his sperm to the female and that she could deposit it in an egg bank.
“The direct contact between the two, although it seemed like a daring idea at first, won on its overall merits.
“So the question was, should it feel good or not? I’m happy to say that feel good won unanimously. After all, we want them to like us.”
“Looking back, I think we made the right decisions, not just about sex, but about everything. And speaking of everything, you’ll also find how it was made up in my notes, or at least the highlights, like dirt and water, air, light, people, other animals, plants, and details like gravity and magnetism.
“I hope my doodles help you understand why things are the way they are and appreciate our work. Nothing would make me happy.”
“In conclusion, I just want you to know that we did the best we could, and I hope you like us for what we decided.”
the invention of the sky
the fourth part of the invention of everything; Eyewitness account
Once we invented water, we realized that for rain to work well, we had to have a place for it to rise and fall again. We settled on a work name called heaven and booked today’s meeting to make it up. As usual, the CEO started the discussion.
“It looks like we’re moving in the right direction. So far we have -“
He pointed to my notepad.
“- sex, land and water,” I recapitulated.
“Fine. So let’s take to the sky. Any ideas?”
“It can’t be too heavy.”
“Why not?”
“It’s going to be above everything else, isn’t it?”
“Good point.”
“It shouldn’t be too thick, either.”
“Why?”
“Getting around can be difficult.”
“Okay. But can we move on to what it should be?”
“Sure. Let’s think about their functions.”
“As I pointed out at yesterday’s meeting, we need a place for the water to rise and return.”
“So all we need is a big empty space?”
“Don’t jump to conclusions. You know I can’t stand empty slots. As soon as I see one, I have an irresistible urge to fill it with something. And I’m not going to settle for halftime content.” As the rain.”
“Well thought, boss.”
“Well, that’s kind of the inspiration for our whole schedule, isn’t it? We decided something is better than nothing.”
“Absolutely. How is it possible that nothing compares to something?”
“Can we get on with the matter at hand? Here’s this huge space, called the sky. What’s going on in it, I mean, besides rain traffic?”
“Well, let’s think about the creatures we plan to invent. What could they use the sky for?”
“Excellent question. Here they are, alive. What do they need besides fresh water?”
“We have a concept called fresh air.”
“Air? Can you elaborate?”
“Sure. If they’re alive, they need all kinds of processes to stay that way.”
“What are you thinking?”
“We’re developing a laundry list. I’ll share it with you right now. Right now, I’m just ready to discuss how being alive might relate to heaven.”
“Move along.”
“Well, what happens when any kind of process takes place?”
“You tell me.”
“You need energy to power it.”
“I wish there was a way around that, but I can’t think of any.”
“Don’t tell me we have to connect everything with cables?”
“No, no, we’re past that already. We just need cables to connect them inside.”
“What do you call that wiring?”
“The nervous system. We’ll also need tubes to transport fluids. But we’ll talk about those things later. For now, let’s stick with energy.”
“Okay, I’m going to bite. How does the creature do it?”
“Internal burning”.
“Continue.”
“He takes things, which we’re putting under the general heading of food, and he burns them.”
“Without catching fire?”
“Right. It’s a different kind of combustion. Totally flame free.”
“Interesting. How does it work?”
“Oh, a lot of chemical processes are needed, which we’re developing in the lab. The relevant thing, in terms of the sky, is what do we need in it to facilitate combustion?”
-I already know it. Two of the atomic little things that Oscar invented.
“O2?”
“Okay. So think about this. If we put it in the sky, they can get it from there.”
“How? Do they stretch?”
“No, no. We have a really innovative idea called breathing.”
“Breathing?”
“Yes, it is a way to bring fresh air to each and every creature.”
“Fine. How do you handle that?”
“We plan to provide them with various means, basically holes that the O2 goes into and dedicated devices to get it to where it’s needed.”
“Okay. Then the O2 comes in. What happens next?”
“What else? Fuels combustion.”
“Done. There’s no point in working on the problem too much. Anything else to consider?”
“Well, there is an aesthetic issue. Should breathing take a lot of effort or be something really easy?”
“The way I see it, we can’t take them out very well while they’re trying to get something they need so they don’t get tired.”
“Right. Then they could stop breathing.”
“Wow. What if they did that?”
“No fuel, no processes.”
“That’s a big downside. We’d better make O2 really easy to get.”
“I agree. So O2 goes in as easy as can be, and we have combustion. But as the saying goes, what goes in must come out, right?”
“With certain exceptions.”
“So what comes out?”
“Let’s create a combination of Oscar’s O2 and Chuck’s atomic invention.”
“How is that?”
“Chuck came up with a really efficient way for his contraption to connect to the O’s.”
“And so?”
“He comes off as Chuck One, plus Oscar Two.”
“Is that a ‘C’ and two ‘O’s?”
“Correct. In a word, CO2.”
“I like it. An epiphany of efficiency.”
“Let me clear this up. O2 goes in. We have combustion. Then CO2 comes out.”
“You got it.”
“So far, so good. I support cycles as they can go on and on, which fits in with our overall plan, right?”
“Yes.”
“Wait. I think we missed a step.”
“What?”
“Where the hell does O2 come from?”
“Good point. We need a source.”
“We’re thinking of a team effort.”
“In what sense?”
“Well, since creatures need O2, we need something to produce it.”
“Any ideas?”
“Of course. Do you think I came to the meeting unprepared?”
“Sorry. Don’t be so touchy, okay?”
“I’ll try, but I hope you show some respect.”
“Can we go ahead?”
“Okay. Now, we think the neatest setup would be if they take in the CO2 that the other creatures are producing and, come on, come on, think about it.”
“Do they turn it back into O2?”
“Right.”
“Brilliant. We have creatures that need O2 and convert it to CO2, and we have these other creatures walking around that take CO2 and convert it back to O2.”
“Correct, except that we think that those who absorb the CO2 and produce the O2 will not be able to walk.”
“Why not?”
“There may be disagreements. Half of the team could say: ‘Look, we produce all the O2, which you need like breath itself.’ And the other half might reply, ‘Hey, we could say the same thing about CO2.’ There is no need to set up a potential confrontation.”
“So the things that make the O2 just stay there?”
“Yes. Or maybe wrap a useful support item. The key is that they wouldn’t have moving feet. In fact, just to be sure, we don’t even think they should talk.”
“Can’t they walk or talk?”
“No. Do you have a problem with that?”
“How happy can they be?”
“It depends on how we structure their needs. If they can satisfy them, there’s no reason they can’t be happy.”
“Okay. Are we talking about what’s on the land and what’s in the water?”
“Essentially. But when it comes to water, the O2-producing things might as well float, as long as they don’t have feet and no voice.”
“Do you have a name for this half of the team?”
“In fact, two names.”
“I see you really have a handle on this.”
“Thank you. They are such an essential part of the plan that we thought we would link the nomenclature to the word ‘plan.'”
“The same way we did when we came up with ‘planets’?”
“Right. In fact, we took that word as our starting point.”
“How is that?”
“Since they’re not going to be everywhere, just on planets that can host creatures, we thought: why not drop the ‘e’ from ‘planets’?”
“So we have ‘plants’?”
“Exactly.”
“The same goes for those on land and in the water, right?”
“Oh sure, I mean, for the ones just standing there. But we thought it would be right to give things that float a slightly different name.”
“What did you decide on?”
“‘Plankton.'”
“Why that?”
“We thought there would be a ton, floating here and there.”
“I like it. Everyone for calling the part of the team that makes 02 ‘plants’ and ‘plankton,’ please raise your hands.”
“‘Plants’ and ‘plankton’ are”.
“So let’s recap. We’ve got half the team moving around taking in O2 and sending out CO2, right?”
“Right.”
“And the other half absorbing the CO2 sending the O2?”
“Yes.”
“Wow, what a beautiful dynamic.”
“Yes. Back and forth, and everyone is alive and happy.”
“I just have one question.”
“What?”
“How can things that make O2 have a process if they don’t start with O2?”
“Good question. We’re taking a slightly different approach to them. Basically, it’s a setup that allows them to borrow combustion.”
“Do they borrow it?”
“Yes.”
“Whose?”
“You mean, from where?”
“Merely a technicality. Please explain.”
“They’ll download it from the next thing we need to invent.”
“What’s that?”
“Don’t you feel something is missing?”
“I feel like there’s still a long way to go. I just don’t know what part of the puzzle you’re referring to.”
“Here’s a clue. We’ve got land here, water there, and sky up here. The stage is set, except for?”
“Lights?”
“Okay. Do we need stage lights? What else? Come on, come on.”
(Please go to the second half)