Last night, I received an email from a woman who told me that her husband had an “emotional affair” with a coworker, but he kept brushing it off, like it wasn’t really a big deal. The wife had found emails showing that this relationship was really inappropriate. The husband was confessing and confiding about his marriage to the co-worker who had clearly crossed the line. However, he insisted that since they had no real physical or intimate contact, that “nothing had happened.” He insisted that the wife was making a big deal out of nothing.
This was certainly something important to the wife. She was deeply hurt by this and couldn’t stop thinking about it. Her inability to take this seriously, repent deeply, and try to fix this mess was seriously affecting and jeopardizing her marriage. But, the wife couldn’t make him see this and she suspected that he didn’t really care as much as she did. She wanted my advice on how to make her see that it was a serious problem. She wanted to do something to make him regret it, so she wouldn’t do this anymore and they could move on. I tell you what I told him in the following article.
Getting a spouse to take seriously the damage caused by the emotional relationship: The first step to getting some remorse is to make them understand how serious this really is. Because often, to say that because “nothing happened”, this fact puts this relationship in a completely different and less harmful category, they are not just empty words. They really believe this. Sure, deep down, they may have a nagging feeling that what they’re doing isn’t right. But, they are capable of telling themselves that nothing has happened and that perhaps they are confiding things that you would not understand or with which they do not want to burden you.
That does not mean that you are not wrong and that you do not have the right to feel what you feel. I’m telling you this because I want you to know that in their mind, they are probably telling the truth. So to get the remorse and apology you want, you’re going to have to make them see that this is a big betrayal in their eyes, that it’s a big deal.
If you haven’t had a calm, rational, and candid discussion about this, now is the time. Often, as unfair as it is, if you’re overly emotional or extremely angry, you’ll be turned off, if only as a means of self-protection. Therefore, it is important to choose a time when you can be as calm as possible and communicate to them that whether they agree or not, this is a significant issue for you that needs to be fully addressed and rectified.
You can follow this up by asking them to take action because they value your feelings and your marriage more than they value being right at all costs. And you can also ask them how they would feel if they read that email, or listened to those conversations, or watched that interaction, with you and a friend or coworker, even though technically “nothing happened.”
In truth, it really is “cheating” if you’re doing something you wouldn’t do if your spouse were right over your shoulder. If you are keeping it a secret, then you must know in your heart that your spouse would not approve and that he is wrong in some way.
Get the apology and rehab you want after the emotional affair:After you’ve been able to communicate that this is very serious and painful for you, give it some time. Perhaps it is too much to want understanding and apology at the same time. (This isn’t fair, I know. But the fact is, you and your spouse are looking at this quite differently.) The goal should be to move on and make some progress between you.
If you think about it rationally, chances are good that you want to get your strong marriage back. So don’t act in a way that makes him feel less close to you and closer to the person he’s been emotionally cheating on you with. This may require you to take as small steps as possible. That is completely acceptable and understandable.
But, as you start to make some progress and your spouse becomes a little more receptive, then it’s time to once again communicate what you need in a calm and direct way. There is nothing wrong with telling your spouse that you need them to understand that they should repent because they understand how this affected you. And you need them to express remorse to him, since he helps you believe that you don’t have to worry about it happening again (since they know he hurts you the way he did).
In truth, the apology is certainly important. And you deserve it. But, what’s more important is where you go from here. Because you need to focus on your relationship with your spouse, not on his relationship with someone else. The truth is that it is not time that heals wounds. It’s what you do with that time that counts. So take decisive steps to rebuild the trust and bond so that you can really move on and get the close, close marriage that you really want and truly deserve.