Is your life an endless cycle, revolving around work and childcare? If so, you are not alone. In a recent study by the Work and Families Institute, half of American women say they don’t have enough time to spend on themselves and choose the activities they enjoy. We all know that saying ‘yes’ to more responsibilities can make us feel more secure with the boss and help us avoid conflict in the family. But too often, ‘yes’ is our default mode with almost everything.
In a world of relentless demands, saying ‘no’ is greatly underused. Of course, you can’t give up endless to-do lists related to work and housework. But don’t you think you also deserve to identify your other, more personal priorities? Get started now with these handy GEMS – Drop it, Evaluate, Go ahead, Savor – that can help you put more sparkle in your life.
Quit: As a guardian, do you sometimes feel frustrated, stressed, or resentful about your workload and household chores? Recognize that some of the barriers are in your own head. And learning to change your standards is critical. Let go of the idea that you can do it all. And don’t beat yourself up for it. Guilt is a predominant emotion for those who worry that they are not doing enough. Remember that it is okay to do less or to delegate, given the realities of your situation. Know that you are dancing as fast as you can.
Evaluate here and now: You’ll make better decisions if you step back and evaluate what you’re doing. Are you already exhausted from volunteering in your children’s classrooms, coaching your soccer team, and spearheading the school’s fundraiser? Decide what makes the most sense to you and then prioritize. The same goes for housework. As long as you are willing to do it all, others may not step up.
Move On: Think about what you wanted to do today but couldn’t find the time to enjoy yourself. It can define your priorities for tomorrow and help you stay on track in the face of inevitable distractions. Mark this as the beginning of creating new rituals. Think of specific activities to integrate into your regular routine: go for a walk during your lunch hour, meet a friend for coffee once a week, write in your journal, or read before bed. Set aside this time just for yourself and keep it sacred.
Savor your identity: Society sends mixed messages when it comes to taking care of yourself. On the one hand, we are taught to go after what we want, but if we fight too hard, we are seen as selfish. Integrate your selfishness as you practice saying ‘no’ to what may present as greater opportunities. Because giving in to outside pressure and taking on more responsibility can mean ignoring what may be best for you.
The woman worn out by time has become a common archetype. We are socialized to be available to our spouse, children, parents, friends, and bosses. And the price we pay to please others is high. At what point do we learn that charity begins at home? Self-esteem comes from having the courage to make tough decisions, even if they are unpopular. After all, if a long-term goal is personal fulfillment for our children, shouldn’t we lead by example? Put yourself at the top of your to-do list and act like you’re the person you love the most.
© HerMentor Center, 2013